First of all, thank you so much for all the phone calls, e-mails and prayers. This has been the hardest time in our life and you've been there when we've needed you the most. Thank you!
In the beginning, when the doctor said that this looked like a miscarriage, Nick and I knew that we didn't want a D&C. We read story after story about doctors trying to talk women into getting one and then a few weeks later, the baby was fine. We were pretty sure that I would miscarry, but I wasn't ready to give up. We didn't want to force God's hand if He wanted to show us a miracle. So, we waited. We also prayed that if I was going to miscarry, that the process would begin soon, so that we could begin coping. It started that night. After advice from some very sweet friends who have been through the same thing, we scheduled the D&C, but were only going to have it done if we could have an ultrasound first. An ultrasound would give us confirmation, closure and most importantly, a peace about going through with the procedure. It was confirmed, only an empty sac appeared on the screen. It looked just like it did when they told me I had a blighted ovum. I'm sure that a 10 week old baby can't feel pain, but I was feeling like a protective mom, so it comforted me to know that my baby was already with Jesus and wasn't suffering. It turned out that I was running a fever, which led me to think that an infection had begun. That made me feel even better about the decision we had made. On Friday, after many fights with IV needles and emotions, it was done. We came home from the hospital to a house full of groceries from Nick's amazing parents along with all my filled prescriptions and dinner from one of our favorite restaurants, Buckner's. Nothing is more comforting than Fried Chicken and Mashed Potatoes! A little while later, my mom walked in, who drove 5 hours to be with me. Nick had to go out of town on Saturday, so having my mom there to take care of me made everything okay. :) We ordered pizza and watched girly movies and I loved every minute of it. It was hard to see her go on Sunday!
Sunday, Nick's mom picked me up and we ran some earrands to get ready for Nick's birthday (which was the next day). Nick had been saving money for a 50 inch Plasma Flat Screen and ordered it a week before. The night that I miscarried, we went to see if it was in. It wasn't supposed to here until the next day, but we needed something to cheer us up, so we thought we'd check. We were thrilled when it was! So, Nick's parents met us to pick it up and we drove 45 minutes home. They got it out of the box and saw that the front was cracked, nearly to pieces. The guys drove it back to Best Buy, just before closing and ordered a new one. They said it would be here in a week, and maybe 3 days. So, while Nick was out of town, Lagene and I went back to see if it was in so that we could pick it up the next day when the guys were home. It wasn't and they said it would be in on Tuesday or Thursday. I think it helped that I looked pitiful, but Lagene whipped out her Mama-Bear attitude and told the cashier all that we had been through and said that we needed the TV today. The manager was so sweet and told us that his job was to make us happy and he would see what he could do. So, we ended up leaving the store with a better TV that was selling for $1,299.99 and we only paid $650, an even trade for the other TV. Maybe if I had still been wearing my hospital bracelets they would have given us a 70 inch. :) It may just be a TV, but at that time, we needed to feel like something was going right. I was so worried that Nick wouldn't have a good birthday because of all that happened, but I think he had a pretty good one! :) He was up until 4 AM setting it up and watching it. It was nice to have something good happen and a distraction. We've been having a blast!
Emotionally, we are doing okay. We have moments when it hits us and we cry, but we also have happy moments when we are able to laugh. I'm so thankful that we have each other.
I've always been a slow recoverer after surgery, so it's taking me awhile to heal. I've told a few people this and I know it sounds strange, but I'm not ready to heal. I think when I'm back to normal and feel like myself again, I won't have that constant reminder of my pregnancy like I do now. I'm not ready to move on and let go, but I know that I will have to one day. I can't believe that it's been over a week since all this started. We know that God is in control and has a plan. He's already been working in our lives. Our marriage is stronger than ever and we feel God's constant presence with us. And I know that our baby has a better life now than we could have ever given him/her and I can't wait to meet them one day!
I'm sorry this is so long! Writing is healing to me and I feel a little better already! :)