Thursday, June 17, 2010

Hard Day

Today is a hard day. I would be 12 weeks along and that's a pretty big milestone in pregnancies. Last night, Nick and I watched one of our favorite movies, Couples Retreat, for the 10th time. We were able to laugh and have a good time. (GREAT movie, by the way) Then I crawled in bed and just started crying. It was frustrating because I couldn't identify what triggered the emotions, they came from no where. I'm sure that it will happen again, but maybe next time I won't be so surprised by the tears. I'm 90% recovered from the D&C and like I've admitted before, I'm not ready to recover because I'm really not ready to move on. But, I know that it's time. We will never forget what we've been through, but we will move on and heal.

There's an old hymn that I love singing when I'm down. I printed out the words and taped them to my desk. When I'm sad, reading them really helps. The words are:

’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
And to know, “Thus says the Lord!”

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust Him more!

O how sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to trust His cleansing blood;
And in simple faith to plunge me
Neath the healing, cleansing flood!
Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,

Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.

I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,
Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
And I know that Thou art with me,
Wilt be with me to the end.

How great is that? It IS so sweet to trust Jesus! You know Jeremiah 29:11; God promises us that He has plans for us, plans of hope and of a future. I want those things, so I'm going to trust Him to give them to me. I think he knows what He's doing; He did create me after all. :) I hope you find sweetness in trusting Jesus!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Long Update

First of all, thank you so much for all the phone calls, e-mails and prayers. This has been the hardest time in our life and you've been there when we've needed you the most. Thank you!

In the beginning, when the doctor said that this looked like a miscarriage, Nick and I knew that we didn't want a D&C. We read story after story about doctors trying to talk women into getting one and then a few weeks later, the baby was fine. We were pretty sure that I would miscarry, but I wasn't ready to give up. We didn't want to force God's hand if He wanted to show us a miracle. So, we waited. We also prayed that if I was going to miscarry, that the process would begin soon, so that we could begin coping. It started that night. After advice from some very sweet friends who have been through the same thing, we scheduled the D&C, but were only going to have it done if we could have an ultrasound first. An ultrasound would give us confirmation, closure and most importantly, a peace about going through with the procedure. It was confirmed, only an empty sac appeared on the screen. It looked just like it did when they told me I had a blighted ovum. I'm sure that a 10 week old baby can't feel pain, but I was feeling like a protective mom, so it comforted me to know that my baby was already with Jesus and wasn't suffering. It turned out that I was running a fever, which led me to think that an infection had begun. That made me feel even better about the decision we had made. On Friday, after many fights with IV needles and emotions, it was done. We came home from the hospital to a house full of groceries from Nick's amazing parents along with all my filled prescriptions and dinner from one of our favorite restaurants, Buckner's. Nothing is more comforting than Fried Chicken and Mashed Potatoes! A little while later, my mom walked in, who drove 5 hours to be with me. Nick had to go out of town on Saturday, so having my mom there to take care of me made everything okay. :) We ordered pizza and watched girly movies and I loved every minute of it. It was hard to see her go on Sunday!

Sunday, Nick's mom picked me up and we ran some earrands to get ready for Nick's birthday (which was the next day). Nick had been saving money for a 50 inch Plasma Flat Screen and ordered it a week before. The night that I miscarried, we went to see if it was in. It wasn't supposed to here until the next day, but we needed something to cheer us up, so we thought we'd check. We were thrilled when it was! So, Nick's parents met us to pick it up and we drove 45 minutes home. They got it out of the box and saw that the front was cracked, nearly to pieces. The guys drove it back to Best Buy, just before closing and ordered a new one. They said it would be here in a week, and maybe 3 days. So, while Nick was out of town, Lagene and I went back to see if it was in so that we could pick it up the next day when the guys were home. It wasn't and they said it would be in on Tuesday or Thursday. I think it helped that I looked pitiful, but Lagene whipped out her Mama-Bear attitude and told the cashier all that we had been through and said that we needed the TV today. The manager was so sweet and told us that his job was to make us happy and he would see what he could do. So, we ended up leaving the store with a better TV that was selling for $1,299.99 and we only paid $650, an even trade for the other TV. Maybe if I had still been wearing my hospital bracelets they would have given us a 70 inch. :) It may just be a TV, but at that time, we needed to feel like something was going right. I was so worried that Nick wouldn't have a good birthday because of all that happened, but I think he had a pretty good one! :) He was up until 4 AM setting it up and watching it. It was nice to have something good happen and a distraction. We've been having a blast!

Emotionally, we are doing okay. We have moments when it hits us and we cry, but we also have happy moments when we are able to laugh. I'm so thankful that we have each other.

I've always been a slow recoverer after surgery, so it's taking me awhile to heal. I've told a few people this and I know it sounds strange, but I'm not ready to heal. I think when I'm back to normal and feel like myself again, I won't have that constant reminder of my pregnancy like I do now. I'm not ready to move on and let go, but I know that I will have to one day. I can't believe that it's been over a week since all this started. We know that God is in control and has a plan. He's already been working in our lives. Our marriage is stronger than ever and we feel God's constant presence with us. And I know that our baby has a better life now than we could have ever given him/her and I can't wait to meet them one day!

I'm sorry this is so long! Writing is healing to me and I feel a little better already! :)

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Not Good News

Well, to just throw it out there...I'm having a miscarriage. We went in this morning, and I was very excited to see my baby again and see it's little heart beating. Unfortuantely, there were a lot of things wrong. There was no heartbeat, the baby measured smaller this time than it did at the last ultrasound, and the yolk sac was too large. My doctor said that if just one of those things were wrong, then she wouldn't be alarmed. But, to have all three of them happen at once, it was pretty clear that I would miscarry. As you can imagine, Nick and I were devastated. I took the day off work and we just came home and cried. I wasn't ready to "give in" and didn't want to admit that this was happening. But then at dinner, the inevitable happened. I started to bleed. That was hard to take in. I came out of the bathroom (we were at the Cracker Barrel) and sat down at the table and just hugged Nick. He wrapped his arms around me and cried too. And then he pointed out the song that was playing on the radio, "Somebody's Praying." Wow. What words. It was just what we needed right then. I can't explain it, but through this horrible day, I have felt closer to God than ever and closer to my sweet husband than I ever have. We know that God has a plan and is in control. I know that whatever happens, He will use for our good, because we love Him. (Romans 8:28) I know that we'll have our sad moments and happy moments. I'm grateful for the few moments of peace I've had, so that I could have the courage to sit down and write. But, I do know that the tears will come again and I know that that's okay.

I've been in your shoes before. I have had to talk to women after they've gone through a miscarriage and haven't known what to say or how to act. So, now that I'm on this side, I just want you to know that if you see or talk to me, I am fine to talk about it. You can ask us anything and you don't have to tip-toe around us, wondering if you're saying the right thing (as I've wondered before) but, I can promise you that we are so thankful and encouraged just knowing that you love us. We love you!

I can't wait to write again in a few months with news that I'm "Bakin another Akin!"

-Nick and Julie